In-dependent

Be careful what you wish for. In my case, be careful what you pray for. God has been so great in my life in spite of what I have done. Things were a bit too tight lately.

I realized I'm in a financial trouble and frustrations sinked in that I still cannot afford a house of my own. I can' even afford for the downpayment of a lot. My relationship with my bf is taking a new phase and life at work is unusually unstable. I am stripped out of my ideals.

I have been 'independent' for 15 yrs. or so I thought. I was never independent, I have been dependent with the people around me. I stayed with my job because I love the people I am with, I cannot just decide on the next career or moves I want because I want to invole my bf in that decision, I cannot just buy this or that because I have to think of my family who depended on me. I chose to live the life I have, that is what other called independent, but in reality, I cannot decide on my own. What is really 'INDEPENDENCE '? One thing that I am thankful though is my faith, that GOD has found me first. In spite of y misgivings, falls and brattitude- He held me and guided me. Still and always.

Wha's wrong with that? You may ask. Nothing, except that with my life now, I don't know who I really am yet. I have not made my trademark. Funny, I realized all these after my Palawan trip. That place is really just magical! Amazing as it is.

What i really wanted in life is yet to be done. If not a businessman, I wanted to be a psychologist. Will I face the sunset wishing these were true? I need to convince myself when it comes to determination. I lost grip of it when the moment of decision comes. I am swayed easily. No, I want the easy way! That hurts but that's the truth. So will these dreams end up in blog only? That's all up to me. I have to learn to know myself more. I have to to know how to swim so I can dive.

What's hard is to start over. There are changes you surely will do and challenges new to you. I guess life's like that, you cannot be stagnant. A way to live life and learn to love it! In the end, it's being dependent in God is what counts. And that is simething I still have.

What is it I want? Can I really be who I am without depending on what others' opinion of me? What is my calling? Or can I be someone because that's who I am made to be and be controlled by my emotions or 'spur-of-the-monet' decisions?  I wanted to be a good leader and I believe I have done my best in that aspect for the last 2 or 3 yrs.  But it's hard to remain a strong when what is above you and surrounds you have different ways in making ends meet. This is the time of my life again that I wanted to be alone and run to the mountains to just pour out my soul. Or these things are happening because I have to learn to get a 'life'? Yeah, maybe. It's time to plan for myself. It's the awakening I might have needed long ago.

Rumors

Rumors.This morning,  I saw one of my agents before and so I greeted him and told him it's been a while we have not talked. I remember him as someone who's stubborn but is loyak when you get his buy-in. He is an agent that your leadership will really be tested, I am just glad that despite of everything i gained his trust and respect- so he said. What made me laugh was when he told me that he has been hearing rumors about me, preparing for the corporate ladder. I cannot help but laugh! where did they get that idea? How were they abe to connect things? It was not in my plans so I don't think that I have shown desperation in climbing the top. Sure, I have plans. but plans of how to have the best team in the account. I know that topping all the other teams in rank is not just the parameter of having the best team. I have the best team cause they understand me and I understand them, we are in the same direction and the by-product is our numbers. Although lately, I have some doubts on that when my friend and my agent approached me of how she feels about the account. I might have been too fierce in fighting that I forgot my principle in leading- to lead with heart. I have seen leaders whom I despise because all they blab is about numbers. I mean, ok your rating is good, you make a lot of money when you  get good ratings, but how are you with the team? Will they say that " I was scolded because she just wants the best in me?"  I have to be reminded lately that i might have lost focused, although I know in my heart that all I wanted is for them to use that skill and abilities they have to the best it should be. I always praise God for giving me the chance to live, to make up for those times when I gave up the battle before even trying it because of insecurities. i feel guilty when I know I could do more but just did what was 'OK'.

That 'rumor' maybe the product of the hard work I put into the team. The moment I knew that I will be handling the agents I have up to this rotation, a little over a year ago, I said I should be the best at all times because these agents are the best in their field. I don't want them walking out on me because they remain as where they are. My goal was that for them to say, " I have improved!". Without an effort, I am reaping a good harvest now, but this is not all just me. To God be the glory. Am I too hard on them? I doubt. Am I too harsh on myself? Not close. These past days have been a puzzle for me. They are everywhere and waited to be connected by the right person, at the right time. Of all these,God has always been there. I prayed for patience and wisdom- he tested me in handling finances and planted seeds of ambitions in me. I prayed to be the best leader that I can be- He allowed turmoils to test my courage and measured my faith; I am not understanding what is happening around me as of this time but I have not the slightest doubt that God is talking to me, answering my prayers. "Me moment' is still something I treasure a lot. It's madness time, when I ask uestions and answered it myslef; when I envisioned taliking  to Him and getting some answers. Others cry in their meditation, I argue and discuss things with God. Guess He knows me better than anyone, even myself. I have to hear reasons and be heard out. This is Our bonding moment.

Whatever that rumor may lead, I leave it all up to HIm. I am not dismissing it. It's just that I know I have a lot of things to work on- personality wise. I don't want to be the 'yes' leader, but I don't want to be the 'argumentative' one either. What i want? I think I am still on the process of knowing it, then only will I become an effective leader.

Stressed

The day started out fine, well, I lack sleep but was excited to meet with one of my close friends- Gail. And so we went to their house, and oh boy, Ani is still the most adorable 2 yrs old I met, among my friends's babies. It brought happiness and sadness to me. I have that thought again of when I can have a baby, of course, they asked that question again to me. When? I don't even know! I wish I know, really. But when we get to the tsismis part, all ears! Yea, I forgot about being sad of not having a baby.

At the office, you know that feeling when you hear your spine cracked and your neck stiffened. And you feel the rush of blood getting through your face. I took a moment, I replied to the email and breathe deeply. It was my friend, she asked appointment from me. I had so many thoughts running in my mind. Eventually we talked, she blow it immediately. What i was not able to tolerate was when she cried. "I am not happy anymore". that broke my heart. I can't help but sympathized, no, empathy was not enough. It was hard because of our relationship. Thank God I was ablt to get my composure again and asked her some crucial information that I need as a leader, as an employee and as a person. I ended the day with a ton of burden on my shoulder. How am I going to go from here? What are the things that will make a difference? Have I been so strict to them? Did I push them too much? I talked to the other members of the team, I got different views and they don't see me like 'too much'. So maybe, I lost the touch of treating them in a personal way. I was harsh, maybe.

I need to be alone. I need to think. I need to de-stress. How to de-stress? I don't even know. First thing that comes to my mind is always spa. For few hours, or maybe for a day or two, it helps but not really addressing my prob. Now, i have to list the things that gives me stress. 

1. My payables. Credit card.
2. My dream house.
3. Work environment:- 

There are just things that cannot be explain. Things that you just know it's there, but you cannot find a better explanation. Maybe, it's myself. Maybe, it's the environment. Maybe, I need a support group.