Understanding the storm

So many things happened in the office lately, and since my work is my life, I get affected. I thought being a supervisor for 3 yrs I am immune to stress. I'm wrong.Although I'd say, I got used to it. I have my opinion in things around, but since I am not involve i have to censor it, for myself and for the team. This is what I love being alone, I get to think things clearly and talk to God, with God. It flashed on me how I cried to the Lord for being a weakling, I feel like I failed Him when I am not at my best. And my numbers would speak for it, I was down the line. I cried because I was ashamed that I didn't have the courage to be the person i want to be. It was moments when God allowed me to mourn and be sorrowful. I never had a doubt He left me, so I prayed for wisdom to let me understand my purpose in being a leader. I wanted to be on top to please Him and be a testimony. My idea was, success equals to faith. It is not. When we thought we are at a crossroad, when we choose to seek more opportunities other than the one handed to us at the moment, I found that it's a the moment when we are weakest. It was a trying and a moment of triumphs, personally. When you see a number of opportunities, you might have forgotten to focus on what you need to do and your purpose.

What I love about my job is facing challenges head on. What's more is that God has taught me the meaning of integrity. Now, those tears I shed were not futile. When you continue what is good, it may take time, but you will reap a good harvest. Whatever I have and I am, this is all because of You. I prayed patience, I have learned the value of it than the practice itself.


"I just want to thank you Lord for your grace and continued love. You have shown me that your love is greater than anything. Indeed, what can we give that you have not given. And what do we ask that is not already yours."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0ar5EfvAcU
God is greater than we think he is! Success is not equal to faith. God will not measure the length of the road we travel, but what we did during the journey.

Me? No, God-moment.

Last night's shift was light and full. When was the last time I feel that? I don't know. I don't even know how it happened that way. I found myself laughing and smiling, with sincerity. :) Funny that I have to write that 'sincerity', I know! Forced smiles and shallow laughs are the skills I learned.

To backtrack, I think spending more time with my agents (coaching) was a factor. I only get to focus on how help them improve instead of putting pressures to myself. I have been engrossed with myself, thinking things over. And worse, I just realized it now. Whew! I thought I was cool. No, I know I tried hard to be but I almost collapsed inside. That last team meeting was a relief! Transparency made it easy. And with the pressures ahead of us, we all laughed as a team. That sealed our family.

I talked about profiling, so I might have been successful profiling and re-profiling myself. I know some ideas, I lack follow through. I have ideas on what to do, I didn't do it because of insecurities. I start a thing, I lost determination to do it. No, I don't think I have ADHD. I simply lack courage and focus. I know I have goals but the focus and determination to achieve it was half-fueled. Then, I go back to talking to myself. I have to discuss matters with myself. Me moment? I think I just skipped a lot of God-moments, everything slowly shattered when that began to happen. Bright ideas can only shine when the utmost motive is to glorify Him. You can only do that when you know Him. Knowing Him is spending time with Him. That is the moment I missed.

I thank God for last night's shift. More to come. Thank you Lord for your grace, may You be glorified in my life.

Profiling

Profiling. This has been a repeated word I heard , thought and used these past days. My passion to know personalities has never ceased and slowed down. It will remain a never-ending quest, as I mature, as man evolved. Interesting to note that I am in the world where I wanted  in terms of culture.

While I was coaching my agents, I realized that I have been so used to profiling that some of it are based on opinion not on observation. This causes friction, not with my agents but with myself. An added stress to my already stressful environment. To profile, you have to interact with them, to hear them talk and see their points of view. But one of my sessions last night, I found myself interrupting my agent's statements and assuming what they are about to say. For a moment, I listened to myself. I ask myself if I know how to listen still. LISTEN. I hear them, I teach them and I encourage them. But listening to them as a person, I don't know...

We need to hear ourselves to be able to know how to listen. Lately though I have spend time hearing myself more than hearing the people around me. Traffic in my head but when I segmented it, most of them are shallow and less important that I thought. If all else listen to what others are saying without assuming, we need a few leaders and soldiers only. We be the guard of our mouth and heart.

So, how am I doing with profiling? I am pretty good at it, except that I have denials when it comes to profiling myself.

Cotton Candy And Jam

I had a 5-day vacation with family and old friends. Although I don't like the sound of describing them as old friends cause it's as if we're not friends any longer. They're friends I met in college. Others and many said that high school life and high school friends are the best phase in life they have. I don't feel the same though. But this blog is not about the friendships I made and making.

This is my first blog, for this site at least, so I want to make this light. I used to tell myself that it's fine if I don't have my own house yet or a car as long as I have seen those places I have dreamed of. And indeed, I was fine with that. I have no regrets at all. But that reunion of friends made me realize that I might have been just chasing pavements. I was more inspired and determined. It could break me one day but I doubt. No dreams are broken as long as you focus and work on it.

So what really made my mind ooze with dreams and inspiration? They call it peer pressure, I call it realizations. They all have their own house now, car and family. I have none of those. Oh no, I am not a loser. I chose this life and the ways I made are the decisions I will stand for. I am just in  a crossroad, beginning to change priorities and dreams. I have not conquered the places, yet I have other aspirations too. And that is, my dream house and own family. The latter could have been easier, but things had to wait for awhile. I cannot blame destiny, I prayed for it. Laughing at myself as I write this- I prayed for patience and to teach me perseverance. This is it! I am tested, and determined to succeed. Lord, please help me do this. :)

So what have I realized? I realized that life is like the sand, it is affected by what's happening around you but you can protect the castle by building rocks around. You can let it lie on the shore or decide to mix it with  the right  materials and make buildings out of it. I was swayed to a different direction, but I would say not the wrong one. Just different. Now, I am trying hard to sail to where I first wanted. To the dreams I have had upon coming here in Cebu.Where's that 2-storey house and a big lawn with garden? Where's that business that have been there in your mind? With all that has happened, I realized it's not too late. The experience of failing was not a failure at all. It was lessons learned, some were hard ones.

The 5 days vacation fueled my emotions and determination to see life through. I am in my mid 30's and that added the pressure. If I were to assess, I was making cotton candy instead of jam. It's not useless, just not so lasting.  I won't end it here. Life rolls on! With God's grace, I know I can do it. So excited for 2012.