Used to be Me

I saw a man striding in the middle of the rain, and chilling wind. Wearing jacket, sling bag and his umbrella. That was about 10 minutes ago, 9pm. Signal #2 of typhoon Lando was hoisted since this morning.

I can relate. Whatever name PAGASA calls the typhoon, off I went to work. Typhoon was not an excuse to be absent. Flood? Bring boots and extra outfit and dry it in the office. Call your supervisor if you might be late. Whatever happens, you have to report to work.

If your migraine strike, take a pill and start talking to customers. No excuse.

It was a tough job.

Today, signal #1 with continuous rain may mean no class, and I get to stay at home. I made my decision, and I am so fine at where I am now.

But the eight years I had with BPO, was amazing. I miss the stress and competition, the people I worked with and argued with. smile emoticon

Kudos to BPO workers.

Shades of Grey

It is not what I thought it was. It's a movie for someone who has experienced love, hurt, hope, deeper pain.. Love.

Each of us has a dark spot and a soft spot. Situations can bring out the best in us or the beast in us.

Anastasia was intrigued; insecure; submissive; dominant- in love.

Christian was insecure; in demand; intriguing; dominant; submissive- in love.

Sometimes we have to put a wall, not to just hide the not-so-pleasant past, but also because we hoped that someone will be brave enough to break that wall and be able to see us, embrace us as as we are.

You have to be willing to be hurt to understand love; and when you're there you'll know when to hit the red button.

She was willing to take it in, to be punished- to assure herself that it's not just about her heart racing. She wanted to understand him, and herself.

There are situations where you have to be someone you're  not just to know yourself better. Even if you know that breaking that wall, entering the shades, may mean both pain and pleasure- you still choose to take it because the person you love is more important than his past.

Trip lang

There's more to life. Indeed.

It depends, I say. There's always more even if you have life. You have this nice bag, you want the other. You have a beautiful marriage, you want more excitement with others.

I had competitions, on a daily even hourly basis and yet I wanted more. But what was 'more' then was to have a life. To sleep like normal people do (Oh, I still thought that what I had was normal)- but you know, sleep at night and work on daylight. So what's 'more' depend on you.

Shoots.. I have so much in mind that none came out of this article that makes sense. See... I think I am 'normal' already. It's past 11pm and so my mind tells me that it's time to tuck in bed. Hum! Tomorrow is another day! When I am supposed to rest and be with my dogs, I gotta be with my work. Who says power just needs responsibility?! Opportunity also comes with responsibility. Akala kasi ni Superman lahat na lang about power. Paano nya ma-exercise power nya kung wala namang opportunity to show it. So while I still can and while I still have that hunger for knowledge and experience, I am going. To plan for the next school year's activity with the bosses is a privilege.

It's been like... I can't remember when was the last time I wrote in my blog. The last attempt was futile- nada! walang nangyari. So even if what I write as of now does not make sense, I will finish it, for a start- again.

Buti na lang ang title ng aking blog is 'My Thoughts' so walang basagan ng trip!

Just being us

It has been more than a month now that I am out of job, by choice. I am trying to realize one of my dreams- to try being a housewife for a while. Never did I imagine I can even sustain it this long. Just so thankful I have a partner who has not pressured me to go back to working again. Although there were times I wish I have work to have my own income, especially when I want to buy something for myself and for my family. I am almost drain right now, financially, but at peace with myself and relishing the stress-free life. 

A year ago, Bobot proposed that I be with him when I resigned from my Aegis. Never regretted when I said 'yes'. He has been so constant in showing how important I am in his life and his way of showing his love is incomparable. I know he had made adjustments before to make this relationship work, all the more I see him exerting effort now that we're together. His understanding and patience in dealing with me is truly amazing. I sometimes doubt myself if what I am doing to him and for him is enough to compensate the love I receive. He has not complained so far, but has been honest on the things he doesn't like on some things I do, which I really appreciate. 

He wakes up so early, oh please honey! I am not a morning person and I just like to feel the morning at bed. I do not like it when he stats to argue even if he knows I have the better idea, or that I am right. I don't like it when he fart at the dining table or talk things that brings out your imagination and makes you want to puke! I don't like it when he gives a lot of directions when I am driving- it rattles me more. But all these are superficial and part of the things I love about him. He argues because he wants me to see things the other ways. He farts and does not admit it to make us smile. and talks about those 'things' to say I should have enough already (diet!). He has been level headed and a man of wisdom, so even if I don't like it when he gives so much directions when I'm driving but deep inside I know his peripheral vision and judgment is better than mine.  And being a morning person, he compromised (again, for me). Instead of 4am, he now wakes up at 5:30am. He still prepares the breakfast while I do some stretching but I still want to make his coffee. Lunch and dinner will be mine to prepare. 

He complains about my dogs, Grey and Gretta, but buys him a lot of food and cleans their poops. That's my honey! He hates the way I prepare when we have to go somewhere, that I am taking sooo much time in the shower and in the mirror. That I have things all over when I do my cooking, but he likes it when I prepare our food! He complains that I snore in which I vehemently deny, but well, he snores louder! :)

My prayers will be for us to experience life's miracle- to have a baby. And that we will be able to continue to find something funny and irritating with each other- it's what keeps our life together. Just being us.

In-dependent

Be careful what you wish for. In my case, be careful what you pray for. God has been so great in my life in spite of what I have done. Things were a bit too tight lately.

I realized I'm in a financial trouble and frustrations sinked in that I still cannot afford a house of my own. I can' even afford for the downpayment of a lot. My relationship with my bf is taking a new phase and life at work is unusually unstable. I am stripped out of my ideals.

I have been 'independent' for 15 yrs. or so I thought. I was never independent, I have been dependent with the people around me. I stayed with my job because I love the people I am with, I cannot just decide on the next career or moves I want because I want to invole my bf in that decision, I cannot just buy this or that because I have to think of my family who depended on me. I chose to live the life I have, that is what other called independent, but in reality, I cannot decide on my own. What is really 'INDEPENDENCE '? One thing that I am thankful though is my faith, that GOD has found me first. In spite of y misgivings, falls and brattitude- He held me and guided me. Still and always.

Wha's wrong with that? You may ask. Nothing, except that with my life now, I don't know who I really am yet. I have not made my trademark. Funny, I realized all these after my Palawan trip. That place is really just magical! Amazing as it is.

What i really wanted in life is yet to be done. If not a businessman, I wanted to be a psychologist. Will I face the sunset wishing these were true? I need to convince myself when it comes to determination. I lost grip of it when the moment of decision comes. I am swayed easily. No, I want the easy way! That hurts but that's the truth. So will these dreams end up in blog only? That's all up to me. I have to learn to know myself more. I have to to know how to swim so I can dive.

What's hard is to start over. There are changes you surely will do and challenges new to you. I guess life's like that, you cannot be stagnant. A way to live life and learn to love it! In the end, it's being dependent in God is what counts. And that is simething I still have.

What is it I want? Can I really be who I am without depending on what others' opinion of me? What is my calling? Or can I be someone because that's who I am made to be and be controlled by my emotions or 'spur-of-the-monet' decisions?  I wanted to be a good leader and I believe I have done my best in that aspect for the last 2 or 3 yrs.  But it's hard to remain a strong when what is above you and surrounds you have different ways in making ends meet. This is the time of my life again that I wanted to be alone and run to the mountains to just pour out my soul. Or these things are happening because I have to learn to get a 'life'? Yeah, maybe. It's time to plan for myself. It's the awakening I might have needed long ago.

Rumors

Rumors.This morning,  I saw one of my agents before and so I greeted him and told him it's been a while we have not talked. I remember him as someone who's stubborn but is loyak when you get his buy-in. He is an agent that your leadership will really be tested, I am just glad that despite of everything i gained his trust and respect- so he said. What made me laugh was when he told me that he has been hearing rumors about me, preparing for the corporate ladder. I cannot help but laugh! where did they get that idea? How were they abe to connect things? It was not in my plans so I don't think that I have shown desperation in climbing the top. Sure, I have plans. but plans of how to have the best team in the account. I know that topping all the other teams in rank is not just the parameter of having the best team. I have the best team cause they understand me and I understand them, we are in the same direction and the by-product is our numbers. Although lately, I have some doubts on that when my friend and my agent approached me of how she feels about the account. I might have been too fierce in fighting that I forgot my principle in leading- to lead with heart. I have seen leaders whom I despise because all they blab is about numbers. I mean, ok your rating is good, you make a lot of money when you  get good ratings, but how are you with the team? Will they say that " I was scolded because she just wants the best in me?"  I have to be reminded lately that i might have lost focused, although I know in my heart that all I wanted is for them to use that skill and abilities they have to the best it should be. I always praise God for giving me the chance to live, to make up for those times when I gave up the battle before even trying it because of insecurities. i feel guilty when I know I could do more but just did what was 'OK'.

That 'rumor' maybe the product of the hard work I put into the team. The moment I knew that I will be handling the agents I have up to this rotation, a little over a year ago, I said I should be the best at all times because these agents are the best in their field. I don't want them walking out on me because they remain as where they are. My goal was that for them to say, " I have improved!". Without an effort, I am reaping a good harvest now, but this is not all just me. To God be the glory. Am I too hard on them? I doubt. Am I too harsh on myself? Not close. These past days have been a puzzle for me. They are everywhere and waited to be connected by the right person, at the right time. Of all these,God has always been there. I prayed for patience and wisdom- he tested me in handling finances and planted seeds of ambitions in me. I prayed to be the best leader that I can be- He allowed turmoils to test my courage and measured my faith; I am not understanding what is happening around me as of this time but I have not the slightest doubt that God is talking to me, answering my prayers. "Me moment' is still something I treasure a lot. It's madness time, when I ask uestions and answered it myslef; when I envisioned taliking  to Him and getting some answers. Others cry in their meditation, I argue and discuss things with God. Guess He knows me better than anyone, even myself. I have to hear reasons and be heard out. This is Our bonding moment.

Whatever that rumor may lead, I leave it all up to HIm. I am not dismissing it. It's just that I know I have a lot of things to work on- personality wise. I don't want to be the 'yes' leader, but I don't want to be the 'argumentative' one either. What i want? I think I am still on the process of knowing it, then only will I become an effective leader.

Stressed

The day started out fine, well, I lack sleep but was excited to meet with one of my close friends- Gail. And so we went to their house, and oh boy, Ani is still the most adorable 2 yrs old I met, among my friends's babies. It brought happiness and sadness to me. I have that thought again of when I can have a baby, of course, they asked that question again to me. When? I don't even know! I wish I know, really. But when we get to the tsismis part, all ears! Yea, I forgot about being sad of not having a baby.

At the office, you know that feeling when you hear your spine cracked and your neck stiffened. And you feel the rush of blood getting through your face. I took a moment, I replied to the email and breathe deeply. It was my friend, she asked appointment from me. I had so many thoughts running in my mind. Eventually we talked, she blow it immediately. What i was not able to tolerate was when she cried. "I am not happy anymore". that broke my heart. I can't help but sympathized, no, empathy was not enough. It was hard because of our relationship. Thank God I was ablt to get my composure again and asked her some crucial information that I need as a leader, as an employee and as a person. I ended the day with a ton of burden on my shoulder. How am I going to go from here? What are the things that will make a difference? Have I been so strict to them? Did I push them too much? I talked to the other members of the team, I got different views and they don't see me like 'too much'. So maybe, I lost the touch of treating them in a personal way. I was harsh, maybe.

I need to be alone. I need to think. I need to de-stress. How to de-stress? I don't even know. First thing that comes to my mind is always spa. For few hours, or maybe for a day or two, it helps but not really addressing my prob. Now, i have to list the things that gives me stress. 

1. My payables. Credit card.
2. My dream house.
3. Work environment:- 

There are just things that cannot be explain. Things that you just know it's there, but you cannot find a better explanation. Maybe, it's myself. Maybe, it's the environment. Maybe, I need a support group.